Americus Casting Call II: The Big-Time Hollywood Version

Whew! So all week long we’ve been having conversations with some Hollywood suits interested in making the Americus movie.

They wined us. They dined us. They told us how much they loved Americus and that we were sitting on a goldmine. They only had a few changed they wanted us to make. Just some things here and there, nothing big… Or so we thought.

Last Friday we imagined this would be an independent movie that would be well reviewed and that people would probably say, “I didn’t know that was based on a comic!” Now it’s a summer blockbuster movie that people will say. “Oh my god. I can’t believe they changed all that stuff! The book was so much better!”

The good news is that we are now millionaires. Oh, wait. Were we supposed to sign those contracts? Nooooooooooooooooooo!

Here’s what they came up:

So the biggest suggestion they had was that we really needed some star power to expand this movie to the largest audience possible. They also showed us some numbers from their marketing teams that indicated single mothers are nowhere near as popular as single fathers right now.  So they proposed this solution that would solve both of those problems:

Neil Barton – Jaden Smith

Carol Barton [Now Carl Barton] – Will Smith

Audiences ate up this father/son duo in Pursuit of Happyness, and it’s a safe bet they’ll line up for more when they hear about this film.  We can already hear the cash registers ringing!

Danny Burns – Alex Pettyfer

“He’s like 8 years older than Jaden Smith!’ we protested. To this they answered, “Twenty-somethings play teenagers in movies all the time. And if Peter Jackson can hobbitize Elijah Wood and Sean Astin, we can make Alex Pettyfer as small as Jaden Smith.” To this we could not argue.

Nancy Burns – Nicole Kidman

Is it cold in here? Or is it just the fact that we signed Nicole Kidman to lend her ice-queen presence to the role of Nancy. Imagine the fight at the end of chapter two with Kidman turning up the chill factor! Brrrrrr.

Charlotte Murphy – Amy Adams

Amy Adams has seen her career skyrocket the last couple years with movies like Julie & Julia, Enchanted and The Fighter. She’s charming, adorable… She’s basically the Zooey Deschanel of Hollywood movies!

Jael De Selby – Kristen Stewart

Kristen Stewart has made a career of being pouty and brooding. She’s perfect for Jael in a Hollywood upgrade of the Americus movie.

Apathea Ravenchilde – Dakota Fanning

She’s all grown up and all over the place the last couple of years! From the bad action movie Push, to the Twilight movies, to The Runaways with Kristen Stewart!

Selke – voiced by Cate Blanchett

We suggested Gillian Anderson because of her awesome voice-acting-as-a-talking-wolf work in the English-dubbed version of Princess Mononoke. They couldn’t remember who she was because it had been so long since she had done anything worthwhile, so they suggested Cate Blanchett. We felt bad For Gillian Anderson, but were happy to have Cate Blanchett on the team.

Auriel Ravenchilde – Angelina Jolie

Man, they weren’t kidding about wanting star power. They even busted out the big guns for the cameos like Apathea’s mother. Can Angelina Jolie play a character that isn’t a sexy spy shooting guns all over the place?

Grimhilder – Joseph Gordon-Levitt

After all was said and done, we were able to stick with one of our original cast choices. They explained that JGL is tired of doing movies like Mysterious Skin, Brick, and 500 Days of Summer and wants to leave that art-house crap in the dust and rake in the millions. Yay! We love JGL!

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So after all’s said and done, it looks like we don’t have much artistic integrity left in us.  Fortunately, we can buy some more with the huge piles of cash we’ll be raking in from this movie.  In the meantime, keep an eye out at your local multiplex this coming Oscar season.